I don’t remember when I met Mae. I’m sure if I looked back at our conversations, I could pinpoint the exact date. Hell, maybe down to the exact second. Not that it would matter. I still wouldn’t truly remember it. All I know is that one day she was just there. Almost as if I didn’t actually have a life before her. As if I was born knowing Mae. That’s probably how I want it to be anyways. A life without Mae now seems impossible. I had no life before her. Yeah, that’s what it is.
Mae wasn’t like any girl I had met or even knew. How cliché, I know. But I stand by it. Sure, I haven’t met a lot of girls for me to make that conclusion. But every other girl that I have met, I could easily categorize and put in a certain type of group. But not Mae. Mae was her own category. Her own group. She was special because she was one in a billion. She was Mae.
But I don’t mean in looks. Sure, she was pretty, but definitely nothing that made her unique, on the outside anyways. She did have a nice rack on her, but that’s just my simple primitive mind who couldn’t help but to gaze from time to time. Mae definitely knew that I glanced, but never addressed it. I don’t necessarily believe she cared about it, more so became numb to it. She knew her body. Most girls do.
Her eyes, a light brown, really only noticeable with the right sunlight. Her hair, wavy, but leaning more on the curly side. Her stature, below average. I never asked, but I believed she was somewhere around 5 feet even. I myself wasn’t that tall either, merely having around 6 more inches over her, I think. I suppose that’s why she enjoyed being around me. She could still meet me at eye level without straining her neck. And her body? Well, I could never tell. She always wore long dresses. Not the sexy kind either. The ones that an early settler would wear for slumber. And on the days that she would wear shirt and pants, it was always accompanied by a jacket or a sweater, no matter the time of year. I never asked if she felt self-conscious about her body, but I didn’t need to. Her body language said more than I needed to know. There was this one time where she wore this very tight white shirt with a thin black jacket over. The shirt was clear enough that I could see the outline of her bra, with some of her cleavage revealing itself at the top. And yeah, she definitely had curves. But I guess I was staring a bit too long, seeing as she quickly zipped up all the way and crossed her arms. I understood that day why she dressed the way she did. And I definitely didn’t help. Sure felt like an asshole. I was an asshole. I just wish I knew sooner.
But looks or not, Mae was special. I’d like to believe that if people saw what I saw in her, they would understand. But truthfully, I know they wouldn’t. And I think that’s why I liked Mae. And I believe that’s why she liked me. But not enough to be with me.
I never understood why. I never brought it up, but on those days where it was just her and I, my heart wanted the answers more than my mouth could articulate. Every time I felt that the timing was right, I just couldn’t get the words out. My lips whimpered as I looked her way. I didn’t want to stare off into the distance either. I wanted to be a man about it and tell her to her face. But my body weakened every time I stared into those beautiful brown eyes, glowing like honey with the sun rays. And my heart melted when I looked towards her lips. Those beautiful light pink lips. I always wanted to know how they tasted. I’m sure they were soft. And sweet. Oh, so sweet.
But the words never came. No matter how simple the words could’ve been, they always felt trapped between my teeth. I suppose I was more afraid of the damage some simple words could cause rather than the words themselves. I was so fixated on the “what-ifs” that I never acted on any of them. Constantly playing different scenarios in my head based on what I would say. But it wouldn’t make a difference what I thought. Nothing ever happened. My daydreaming was simply just that.
Mae wanted me around. And I didn’t want to ruin that. She always reassured me to speak my mind and that nothing that I said would change the friendship dynamic that we had. But I knew that it would. I knew that things wouldn’t be the same after. But Mae was naïve. She was smart, talented, and incredible at everything that she did. But she was stubborn. Probably the most stubborn person I’ve ever known.
Mae needed to be right. About everything. It was her God complex. I even told her once about it. And that conversation went about as great as you’d expect it to go. So much for speaking my mind. The funny part is, I truly don’t believe she’s aware of what she does sometimes. This need to be right had always been something I knew from the moment I met Mae. There were a few clues here and there, but nothing too obvious.
One day, we had a casual conversation about Homer’s: The Odyssey (between us, that’s pretty casual). She made a small error by simply getting two character’s names mixed up. Simple mistake, happens to the best of us. But not Mae. It was almost as if I told her that her whole family has been brutally murdered. She couldn’t fathom the thought of being wrong. It was pure denial. Chaos. The look on her face made me think that I had completely shattered her perception on life. But I just corrected one small mistake. That was all it took. She got up from the table and walked away, almost looking as if she was about to cry. I didn’t chase after her. I just sat there, completely dumbfounded about what just happened. She didn’t speak to me for a couple days after. Then, she came and sat next to me out of the blue. Didn’t bring up the conversation, nor did she even explain what happened. She just simply started talking as if nothing happened. I wanted to bring it up, but something in my gut told me not to. I just it left it at that.
And I think that’s why I felt I could never say the words that I wanted to say to her. I was afraid of what would happen. As a friend, I could accept when she acted like this. But if we were to be something more, I don’t believe things would end in a way where we could still keep our friendship. Things would just end. And I never wanted things to end with Mae. Mae was my life. And I needed Mae. And Mae needed me.
But sometimes I wished she didn’t need me for everything. She broke up with her boyfriend not too long ago. Obviously, I was there for her through all of it. Listening, comforting, and empathizing. Just days of non-stop crying, frustration, and confusion. I was there for every second of it. So much so that she would come to my house and sleep in my bed. Crying until she fell asleep, while I laid there, wondering whether it was appropriate to hold her, and how to hide the erection she gave me. It was a good thing my room had a couch.
The first few days weren’t a problem. I enjoyed her company. It made me feel good knowing that I was her creature comfort. But after two weeks, I realized, “oh yeah, she’s Mae.” During that whole endeavor, she never once thanked me for the hospitality. She never questioned why I slept on the couch. She didn’t even bother to ask if she could eat my food. She was just Mae. And Mae never saw anything wrong with what she did or would do.
Throughout all the conversations we had about her relationship, not once did she wonder whether she was at fault for anything. Everything was always about him. What he did wrong, how he never listened, why make all those empty promises, etc.… But never about herself. And part of me feels she doesn’t see herself without any flaws. Mae was the smartest person I knew, yet she was unable to see what was right in front of her face. And I don’t believe she ever will.
Mae suffered through a lot growing up. I’ve had my fair share of problems in my household, but Mae, Mae had battle scars. The stories she told me about her parents, and the amount of distain she had towards her mother, have told me enough to know why she is the way she is. Not all of it has been revealed to me, but I knew enough to understand the underlying cause of her character. And the few times that I’ve seen her interact with her mother, it truly paints the picture.
“You can’t choose your family”, she would say. “But you can definitely hurt them the way they’ve hurt you.” Her mother was her enemy, and her home was her prison. This was her first year that she finally tasted freedom. She lived in a small dorm within the campus. A small space, just enough for a bed and homework desk. But Mae loved every square inch of it. This was her escape from the cruelty of the retched hands of her mother. No more did she have to listen to the demands that were forced on her. No more was her life sucked out of every time she entered through the door. No, she was free. She was able to do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted; until she had to go home and sleep for curfew, of course. But nevertheless, she had her freedom. But only while it lasted.
Mae was afraid to be vulnerable. She wanted to prove to everyone that she could take care of herself. She wanted to show all of us that she was capable of surviving on her own. She wanted us to see that she could handle any problem that came her way. The thing was, all of us already knew she could. Mae was stronger, and much, much braver than any person I had ever known. She had way better common sense than most of the adults I interacted with. And she knew how to handle herself in any situation.
But Mae had demons. Never once did she share them with me, but she didn’t have to show what I could already see. She didn’t need to prove anything to anyone. No, she needed to prove to herself. Prove to herself that she could make it on her own. Because I knew, deep down I knew, she was always on the edge of total collapse.
Those days when I would completely lose contact from her, I never once worried if she was ok. I knew she was. No, what worried me was what exactly she was doing throughout this time. Mae had a habit of being able to disappear. She knew where to go to give herself space, and she knew she wouldn’t get caught. So, I never bothered looking for her. She would always come back. And she would do this often enough for it to become a routine. It was almost like a cycle every few months. The thing is, every time Mae returned, she wasn’t really herself for the first few days. We would talk and hang out like normal, but there was something about her that made me worrisome. Almost felt as if she was still recovering from something. But things just kept getting worse from here.
Everybody has a breaking point. Even Mae. No matter how hard she tried to keep her head up, I knew that there was something wrong. I knew she was reaching hers.
The school year was about to end. We had successfully made it through our first year of college. We were both ecstatic about getting through it together, but that excitement only lasted shortly. It quickly dawned on Mae that pretty soon, she had to move back into her prison. Her days of freedom were over, for now at least. But Mae had gotten used to the fresh air that she did not want to go back. And I really don’t blame her. Not to mention the fresh wound of her breakup. It was all too much. And I just knew.
She would still come over and stay the night with me. Her days of crying were over, but she didn’t want to be alone. The fighting began the second she stepped back into her house. So logically, I was her safe haven. Her mother knew me well enough for her to be ok with it. I’m certain she also thought I was gay, but never felt the need to correct her on that. Her views were unconventional, and there’s no point in the telling a stop sign to go. Mae hated the fact that she needed approval to go stay the night with me but tolerated it if it meant she didn’t have to have an aneurysm every single day.
The first few days of our summer break were pretty well. Mae insisted we spent every second of it together. I knew she was still heartbroken and just needed a distraction to not think about it, but I don’t believe she understood the pain I was going through as well. It felt as if she had my heart wrapped around a cord, squeezing tight. How could she know? I’m the who didn’t tell her. But I enjoyed myself, as much as I could. Deep down, we both just wanted to be happy.
Things changed drastically around the second week. Mae still stuck around me all the time, like a beautiful leech that she was. But she wasn’t happy, I could tell. We would do almost the same things every day, but now they started to feel like work. There wasn’t anything in particular that I enjoyed doing, other than to be with Mae. So, she was always the one to tell me where to go and what to do with her. And I simply followed. But on those last days, it just wasn’t the same. She would still tell me where to go, but there was no emotion to her actions. There was no feeling to what we did. She was there with me, but somewhere else inside.
Almost every single day, we would head to her favorite park, and sit on our bench to watch the sun set. It was her favorite part of the day. How beautiful it was to see that massive ball of gas that gives us life slowly descend into the night. And as we watched this exact view day after day, we would talk. Rather, she would talk. Talk about anything and everything that was on her mind. And I listened to every single word. She would repeat herself constantly, but I never mentioned it. I always figured those were the things that she always wanted to say the most. And I enjoyed listening.
But those last few days, things weren’t the same. We would still walk and sit, but the sound of her voice no longer echoed through that park. She wouldn’t look at me. She wouldn’t talk. She didn’t even seem to care that I was there. But she continued to stare towards the sky, watching as it turned from red, to orange, to yellow, to blue, and then finally, into darkness. All the while, the sounds of nature breaking the silence that was had. I wanted to say something. I wanted to ask what was wrong. I needed to know if she was ok. But I was too much of a coward. My lips whimpering the same way as before. I just couldn’t do it. And I truly regret not saying anything. Maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference, but at least it would’ve given me peace of mind knowing that I tried. But I didn’t. I didn’t.
She cried a bit that day. Just as the final rim of the sun began to disappear, I noticed tears coming down her cheek. I heard a few sniffs from her nose as she wiped the tears away. She never once looked at me, but I knew she knew. I don’t believe that I would’ve known what to do if I knew what was going through her head. I don’t think there would’ve been anything I could’ve done to help her. But I did wish I knew. At least then, I could’ve understood. But it’s too late for that now.
When we walked back to my house, she kept quiet as usual. Her head was partially down, looking at the gravel from the road. She didn’t look sad, or scared, or mad, or even tired. She looked nervous. I had seen Mae be nervous a couple of times before. It’s usually when a big test is coming up, or she’s having to do something that she can’t rely on someone else to do. Mae would put her head down and start fiddling with her fingernails, almost as if she was bothered that she had them. Her breathing would also pick up, almost as if she was about to be in a state of panic. At the time I didn’t know why she would’ve been nervous, but I never asked. And I should’ve. But I didn’t. I never did.
As we entered my house, she went immediately to the room. I stopped by the kitchen to grab something to eat and talk to my mom. This had become our daily routine and she was far more understanding. She kissed me on the forehead and headed towards my room. Mae was already in my bed again, looking through her phone. Didn’t even acknowledge me when I entered, but again, routine. I placed her snacks on the nightstand and went to my couch. I glanced at her once more as she continued to be on her phone. The opportunity to ask again presented itself, but as I looked at her, the words just became trapped in my throat.
Mae was my life. I wanted her to be around all the time. She gave me the best days of my life, and I was there for some of her worst. Mae meant everything to me. And I didn’t want to lose her. So, I never tried. I was always afraid that if I said anything more than what was needed, she would leave. I knew she wouldn’t, but the fear never went away, no matter how many times she reassured me. I loved Mae. And maybe she loved me. But I didn’t try hard enough.
I continued scrolling through the endless garbage of entertainment as the minutes went by. I must’ve been like this for around two hours before looking up. Mae was no longer on her phone, but rather staring towards the wall. I wasn’t so sure what she was looking at, but I could tell she was thinking again. The moment felt right for me to finally ask if she was ok, but as I watched her stare into nothing, I saw her slowly close her eyes. I just gazed at her for a couple of minutes, wondering about what she could possibly be dreaming of. I got up and covered her, grabbing another blanket for myself. As I was setting up my place on the couch once more, I heard her speak.
“What are you doing?”, she asked, in a very soft voice. I stayed frozen for a second, making sure that I actually heard her.
“What?”, I replied, sounding stupid.
“I said what are you doing?”, she asked again, slightly lifting her head from the pillow.
“I…...uhh…...I’m going to go to sleep now.”
“Why are you sleeping there?”, she questioned. I stood there for a couple of seconds, wondering if she was being serious. I mean, she knew that I slept there whenever she came over. There would be days when she would already be out of the room by the time I woke up. Her questioning made no sense, but I decided to entertain it.
“Because I always sleep here when you stay over”, I responded in a sarcastic tone. She looked bothered by this.
“Did….”, she paused, making direct eye contact with me now. “Did you want to sleep in your bed tonight?” My heart began to race.
“Where will you sleep then?”, I asked. She looked at me with a look that said: “You know what I’m trying to say.”
“Come on”, she said with a bit of frustration. “Can you please just sleep with me tonight?”
I sat there frozen for a moment, gazing up at her and those puppy eyes she was giving me. All my life, all I wanted to do was to hold Mae in a way I’ve never done before. Sure, we hugged all the time, but I knew that this would be intimate. It was just the two of us in this room, and no one could take this moment away from me. But something about the way she was behaving made me feel as if she was doing this because something else was on her mind. And if I only trusted my intuition back then, maybe things would’ve been different today.
“Ok”, is the only thing that I could say. I raised myself from the couch, bringing the blanket with me. She scootched aside, making space for me to be able to climb over her. As I laid down, my heart began to race, and I could feel my erection rising.
“Hold me”, she whispered. Mae was still lying on her side, patiently waiting for me to wrap my arms around her.
“Hang on”, I replied. I quickly adjusted my dick and moved myself in the “big spoon” position. I watched her for a moment, taking in her beauty. I could see curves, and the way her hair rested on the pillow. I took one final deep breath and moved myself towards her, wrapping my arms around her waist. I tried to start slow, but she instantly grabbed my hands and pulled me in all the way. My crotch was now besides her butt. My erection was contained, and she didn’t seem to notice. I could smell her hair. It smelled wonderful. Part of me wanted to ask what kind of shampoo she used, but knew it wasn’t the right time.
I laid there for a couple of minutes, trying to grasp what I had dreamed about for so long. Mae was always the girl in my dreams. She was always the one I wanted to talk to. She was always the one I thought about every day. And she was always the one that I thought about when I saw my future. I never knew what it could be. I just knew that I wanted Mae to be there. And here she was.
The minutes went by without a word being spoken. Just the sound of the A/C slowly blowing to keep the room cold. I didn’t mind the lack of words. I wanted to savor every second of this. Feeling my hands on her stomach felt wonderful. It felt as if I was touching the clouds above. Whatever heaven was, Mae was a piece of it here on Earth. And I felt happy.
“Hey”, she finally muttered, breaking the silence. My eyes were already beginning to close. I wasn’t the one to fall asleep pretty fast, but something about holding Mae made me feel safe. Secure. It made me feel that I was right where I needed to be.
“Hey”, I muttered back, not being able to see her face, but still holding her tight. “What’s up?”
She didn’t say anything for a couple of seconds. I could tell that she was trying to find her words. Well, maybe the right words.
“I just want to say….”, she paused. Her voice had a slight quiver. I could tell she was holding back her tears, but the mucus was already forming as she sniffled a bit. I wanted to turn to look at her, but she grabbed my hands tighter.
“I just want to say thank you. For everything. I take you for granted sometimes, and I’m sorry.” She paused again. I wanted to say something, but I knew there was more.
“Just know that I’m trying to better. It’s hard for me to….”, her voice cracking. I squeezed her stomach harder, laying my head closer to hers. My mouth now besides her ear.
“It’s ok”, I whispered. “It’s ok.”
“I’m trying”, she muttered, holding me tighter. Her sniffling was getting louder.
“I know. It’s going to be ok.”
In that moment, I knew Mae was asking me for help. For the first time in all the years being with her, I had never seen her so vulnerable. She would cry here and there but would bring herself right up shortly after. She was never stuck in a hole for too long. And she always seemed to be better. But this was the first time I had seen her so afraid. So helpless. So, lost. And Mae needed my help. But I just didn’t know what to do.
For a couple of minutes, we laid there. I could still hear her quietly weeping, but as I held her close, it began to die down. She became relaxed, and I could feel her breathing go back to normal. The only thing that I felt I could do was to keep holding her. And so, I did.
“Get some rest Mae”, I finally said, breaking the silence. She didn’t say anything but acknowledged my gesture. And without thinking, I leaned over her and kissed her on the cheek. It was too dark to fully see her face, but I saw the creases of her lips move into a smile. I placed my head back into my pillow and began closing my eyes, holding on to my part of Heaven that was Mae.
“Hey”, I heard her whisper again. I was on the brink of completely knocking out, but I still managed to hear her voice.
“Yeah?”, I replied, not even opening my eyes.
“I just want to say…. I just want to say that I love you. For everything.”
There was a part of me that felt I was already dreaming. For in my dreams, Mae would always tell me those words. Never in my life did I think she would tell me what I had been longing to hear. But as I could feel her in my arms still, I knew this was very much real. And I knew in that moment I had the chance to say it back. There was nothing that was in my way. There was no excuse I could give myself. And there was nowhere I could run. It was time for me to stop being a coward.
“I love you too Mae...”, I said, whispering it right into her ear. I grabbed tighter and pulled her as close as possible. “I love you. More than you will ever know.”
And as my final words came out, I felt her grab my hands and move them towards her lips, as she kissed the top of them. A smile ran across my face as she placed them back to her waist. If I didn’t know what was to come, maybe I would’ve said more. And if I knew what was going through her mind in that moment, maybe I wouldn’t have let go. But I didn’t. I just didn’t.
Mae was the smartest person I ever knew. But she was broken. And all her life, she just wanted to find a way to fix herself. Fix how she felt. Fix how she acted. And most importantly, fix who she was.
When I awoke the next morning, Mae was already gone. I never felt her leave, but it didn’t surprise me that she did. The door to my room was wide open and emptiness filled the room. Her phone was still on the nightstand. This was unusual as she always took her phone, but I gave myself the benefit of the doubt and assumed she was just eating breakfast. As I walked into the restroom, I couldn’t help but notice how quiet the house still was. Mae enjoyed the comfort of having a Television on while she ate. That was usually what always woke me up. But it was silent. Quiet. My heart began to race.
As I walked towards the living room, the only thing that I was hoping for was for Mae to be there, laying on the couch, or sitting in the kitchen table. But as the entire view came to focus, there was nothing. Nobody. Everything was empty. The lights were still off, and the silence only got louder. My heart nearly pumping out of my chest by this point. I walked towards the main door and noticed it unlocked. I glanced around once more to see if we were robbed, but everything was still in its designated place. And as I opened the door, the light from the sun blinded me for a moment, only being able to hear the sounds of life. Birds chirping, wind howling, dogs barking, and cars driving. But everything was the same. Everything except Mae.
Panic took over my body immediately after. Without a second thought, I woke up my parents, asking if they’ve seen Mae. Panic transferred to them just as quickly as it ran into me. They got up and started looking with me. As I continued to look with them, my mother decided to call hers. It didn’t take long for the panic to spread. It became a virus that affected the entire community. Within two hours of my initial worry, everyone was already looking for her. The cops arrived shortly after they made the missing person report. They asked me a bunch of questions. About last night. About the days before. About her character. They asked me if she was suicidal. If she would hurt herself. If she had a diary. If she was sexually active. If I was sexually active. If there was anything she might’ve said to hint she was running away. And so much more. My mind was running a thousand times faster than usual, and the headache that formed just didn’t help the pain that I was feeling. They took her phone with them as they finished my interrogation. And I just sat there, as my world came crumbling down.
The hours turned into days. The days into weeks. And then months. More than half the town stopped looking for her after the third week. My family and hers didn’t. Even as her mother made the appeal on live television, Mae never came back. I had never been around her mother that much before, only knew of her character. But when I saw her cry and break down during her plea, it was a different side of her I had never seen. A side that I didn’t believe she had. Mae made her out to be the villain, the enemy. But here I saw a human being, showing sadness and heartache. Here I saw a mother, just wanting her daughter back.
That summer was the longest summer in my entire life. Every day seemed to be stretched out immensely. I always woke up just as the sun began to rise, and walked to her house, where her mother and I would meet and drive to another part of town. We would hand out flyers whenever we could and go door to door, asking if anyone had seen her. By the end of July, I felt that all of this was hopeless. Her mother, on the other hand, never gave up. She made her living room a set up to try find Mae, including a massive map of the city and the surrounding towns. She would mark off the places we’d been and continue. The coffee table was scattered with flyers, information, and police reports. The bags under her eyes began to grow with each day. She was tired, but she wanted to continue no matter what. And I did too. But I was already losing hope.
The first few days, I would always go to our park and wait at the bench. Part of me felt that if she wanted to see me, or leave some kind of message, it would be here. And so, I would arrive there, always looking thoroughly to make sure she didn’t leave some kind of piece of paper anywhere for me to find. But I never found anything. And so, I would sit there, with the sun disappearing ahead, waiting for Mae.
Those final minutes of the night always felt like an eternity. Everyone that passed by, I wanted to believe it was her. I wanted her to be there again. I wanted her to pop out of the blue and be sitting right there next to me. I wanted to see her face again and know that everything was going to be ok. I wouldn’t even ask where she was or if she’s ok. I just wanted her there. I just wanted Mae back.
There was a week left before the fall semester began again. We had all these plans of things we wanted to see and do. Mae wanted to have as many adventures as she could. She wanted to enjoy her youth while she could. She wanted to be happy. But none of that happened. I didn’t really have much of a choice but to go back to school. My parents understood the pain that I was in but knew that I couldn’t let my education take a pause. They understood that I didn’t want to give up on Mae. But there was an unspoken understanding between all of us that knew. We drained ourselves every single day in hopes that some good news would arise. That some kind of information would come to light. We held on to the belief that everything was going to be well in the end. We held on to that hope. But it was all over now. My parents knew it, and so did I.
I went to go visit her mom one last time. She greeted me with open arms. And as we sat in the kitchen table laughing, crying, and reminiscing about all the memories we had, she knew that it was time to stop as well. She thanked me for doing everything I could, and for being there for Mae.
“You’re a good person”, she said, sniffling a bit. “I know you tried so hard. And I can’t thank you enough for everything you did for me. And I’m thankful that Mae had you in her life. I know she was grateful too.”
She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight. In an instance, all my emotions came crashing down. Tears ran down my eyes as I felt her warmth and comfort.
“She’s going to come back to us”, she continued, holding me still. “She’s going to come back. And we’ll be here with open arms when she does. Don’t lose hope, ok?”
I couldn’t find the courage to say anything, so I simply nodded. We hugged for a little longer as the last of my tears came out. And as I pulled away, we made eye contact, smiling at one another. She wiped the tears off my face. She opened the front door for me. As I stepped out, I looked back towards her once more, giving her a hopeful smile.
“We’ll see her soon”, she said, smiling back. “I promise.”
“I know”, I said, nodding my head. I watched her close the door. I stood there for a moment, glancing at her house. A house that I ironically became more familiar with after Mae left. She made this place look like a prison, and she made her mother the warden. But during all of this, this place became my second home. Mae didn’t want to give it a chance, and I don’t believe any amount of convincing would change her mind. Because I knew that if none of this happened, Mae wouldn’t have seen her mother the way I got to see her.
It was the last day of summer now. My second semester starts tomorrow. The endless hours of looking for Mae were over. There was still a missing person’s report out for her, but that was the extent that the police could do anymore. People still talked about her around town, but her face slowly faded away from people’s mind. Her mother set up a bed in the living room. She would leave the front porch light on, and the door unlocked at night, just in case. My mother did her best to keep her company on the days that she could. And everyone else went back to their lives.
As the sun began to set once more, I found myself back at our bench. I looked around it again, hoping to find something I hadn’t seen before. But it was empty as always. So, I sat, and looked ahead at the beautiful sun disappear into the darkness. And as I watched onward, tears began forming. Throughout all the searching, questioning, and sleepless nights, I was completely numb. My mind never stopped thinking about Mae. But I could never cry about her. The amount of pain that I felt the day she left is something I know I’m going to carry for the rest of my life. But only now did I truly feel the damaged that she caused me. I wept and wept, screaming, and shouting at the top of my lungs. No one was around me, but I didn’t care if they were. I just wanted to let go.
Mae promised me so much. And I was always there for her, through and through. But as I sat there, alone, I felt so much anger. I know that I would’ve tried to stop her if she had told me her plan, but if I just knew where she was, or if she was safe, then I wouldn’t be hurting as much as I was. But she didn’t. She just left. And now I live with the understanding that even I wasn’t good enough for Mae to trust.
But I know that I would greet her with open arms if she came back right this instant. Because that’s all I want now. For Mae to come back. To her family. To her friends. To me. Mae was beloved. She had her whole life ahead of her. And she had people who she could talk to. But I knew she reached her breaking point. I knew that that string of sanity she was holding on to tore apart a while ago. And no amount of help or comfort would reassure her that she was going to be alright. She did what she had to do. And I’m not going to hold that against her. I just wish that this pain didn’t hurt so much.
The last of the brim of the horizon was closing in. This was Mae’s favorite part of the day. When the sunlight and darkness met for a moment. She would tell me that it was like staring at two forbidden lovers, only being able to see each other for a moment in time every day. But they would make this moment last, for it would make their love stronger. Because even when the moment ends, tomorrow they could do it all over again. And that gives them hope to continue. Mae always had a beautiful way of thinking, and I’ll forever be thankful for getting the opportunity to see her world through my eyes.
Darkness swallowed the sky. It was over now. All of it. Tomorrow started the new chapter of my life. Sitting there, everything felt the same as it was all those months ago. The bench never moved, the sun always set, and the grass always grew. But everything was different now. I took one final deep breath, looking towards the empty seat beside me. I laid down the rose and letter that I brought. Part of me will never give up on Mae, but I understand now how things will be.
Today I reached acceptance. And as I began to walk away, I turned around one last time and smiled. I know how things are going to be from here on out. But I know that my hope will never die. My heart belonged to Mae, and it always will.
I wish I knew what went through her mind all those days ago. I wish I understood why she did what she did. And I wish I could’ve tried to do something. Then, maybe then, things would’ve been different. But I knew that they wouldn’t. Mae was smart. The smartest person I ever knew. She always had a plan for everything. She was always thinking three steps ahead. That night, her mind was already made up. I don’t know how much of it she had planned, but she knew exactly what she was doing. And I should’ve trusted my gut. I knew she was saying goodbye. But I wanted to believe that she just wanted my help. Mae knew how to disappear. Everyone hoped that she would come back like she always does. But I knew the latter. In her mind, she was already gone. It was only a matter of time before she was completely gone. She had a mission, and she achieved it.
I think about where Mae is now all the time. Part of me believes that she’s out there exploring the vast wonderland of this world. Maybe meeting new people, and letting her toes touch the ocean. She always wanted to move to Seattle. Something about the woods and nature always fascinated her. Or maybe she joined the army. She always wanted to be part of it, despite her stature. Not to mentioned she suffered from hip dysplasia. She got it back in high school after a terrible fall or something like that. It upset her at the time because she knew she wouldn’t be able to pass the physical anymore if she joined. Still, I’d like to believe that she found a way to enlist herself. Her charisma and charm always worked on everyone, so it wouldn’t surprise me if it worked on a recruiter. Whatever the case, I just hope that wherever Mae was at, she was happy. Because after all, that was truly the one thing she was chasing after. And I hope she found it.
I don’t remember when I met Mae, but I’ll never forget the day that I lost her. Mae was my life, and she will always continue to be my life, wherever she is. Mae was smart, funny, charismatic, witty, naïve, stupid, and beautiful. But most importantly, Mae was Mae. And I knew that she was always going to be ok. Because she always needed to be ok. She always needed to be right. But the truth is, she didn’t need to be right. She was right. She was always right. And I know that deep down, just once, she wanted to be wrong.