Glam Doll Donuts, Minneapolis, Minnesota
February 2/Friday/8:37 A.M.
I’ve been working on this portfolio since 6 last night. I’m so exhausted. Not sure how long until I finish it. I know the deadline is tonight and I’m so close to finishing, but the fact that it’s still not done is stressing me out. I figured getting a coffee and strawberry donut would help. All it’s doing is making me extra nervous with a hint of jitteriness.
The store is beginning to fill up now. The noise is getting to my head. Why is everyone so goddamn loud? I don’t think I can work like this. But I don’t really have anywhere else to go. If only I had Wi-Fi at home. I’m going to try and block it all out.
Putting my headphones on, I play some Debussy. Clair De Lune: a song I’ve heard thousands of times, yet new every time. As I finish editing the last of my pieces, I receive a text message from him.
“The weather is about 53 right now, with a hint of rain. It’s chilly but everyone is acting like it’s a fucking blizzard. How’s the portfolio going? I’m sure you’re almost done. Please, just don’t stress yourself out. You know you have time. I love you.”
That puts a smile on my face. I hate that he knows me too well. I’ll text him in a few.
I finally finish the last of the editing. The only thing remaining is to upload. Hopefully it doesn’t take too long. As I wait, I take another sip of my coffee. Looking around, I notice how full the store has gotten. Pondering whether to move and give up the four-person table to the group of friends who are in line, aggressively looking my way. There is a table in the corner with the one chair, but it’s stationed next to the restroom and definitely not in the mood to hear noises I don’t like to hear coming out of my own body.
No. I’ll stay here. Besides, the file is close to 50% uploaded. I’m sure if they’re desperate, they’ll come join this downhearted looking girl, who willingly chose to not wear any makeup or fix her hair, now looking like Johnny Depp in Dark Shadows.
Picking up my phone, I text him, “23 up here. No wind, but, you know, the cold. Finished with the portfolio. Just patiently waiting for it to upload. Still alive. :)”
77% uploaded now. As I take another sip of my coffee, I receive another message. “It’s almost 9 over there. You didn’t get any sleep last night, did you? Also, you didn’t say I love you back.”
Ugh. I hate it when he does that. He knows that I still do. I’ve told him countless of times that it’s not necessary for me to say it back to validate what I feel. Whatever. I’m not going to let it get to my head right now. I don’t want to fight with him today. I shouldn’t. He’s been giving me moral support this whole time. I know he just wants the best for me.
“I’m sorry. You know I love you. I’m just waiting for this stupid file to finish uploading. It’s at 93% right now. I’m extremely tired. But at least I’m finished. For now…”
Almost immediately I get a reply. “Don’t apologize. It’s just been one of those mornings. Are you going to get some rest once you’re done?”
“Maybe. Hannah asked me to go to the mall with her today to find a gift for Juanita for her party tomorrow.” I don’t hear from him for a couple of minutes. I know he’s upset by that. This is frustrating me. I don’t need this right now. I don’t want to fight with him. Not over something silly as me getting some rest. I just finished a 4-month long portfolio and I deserve to hang out with my friends, without him telling me what’s good for me.
“Just…please get some rest when you can. You know what happened last time. I just don’t want you to get hurt. Especially since I’m not there.” Last time? What was last time? Oh right. When I passed out. I knew I shouldn’t have told him about that. Neither should I have told him about Peter. I know he’s jealous of him.
“I will”, I reply. “I promise if we finish early, I’ll go home and get some shut-eye before work. :)”
“Ok. I’m sorry. I care about you.” Ugh. How many fucking times do I have to see that same message again? I’m not going to escalate this argument any further. The file has completely uploaded. I just want to get out of here already.
“Don’t apologize. That’s one of the reasons why I fell for you, remember?” I must remind myself why we’re together. Not that I don’t. It’s just hard to do sometimes.
“Yeah I know”, he replies. “Listen, I have to work on my homework a little bit, then I gotta go to my next class. But I’ll text you when I get out. Just have fun with Hannah. You deserve it.”
“I’ll get some rest if I can. I promise.”
“Ok. I love you.” I want to mess with him a bit for making me feel shitty when I didn’t say it the first time.
“Yeah, I know”, I reply, waiting a minute before continuing. “LOL. I’m kidding. I love you too. Stay dry.”
Closing my laptop, I wrap the remaining of the donut for later. As I head to the exit, I see the brady bunch standing in the corner, awkwardly sipping their drinks. One of them scoffs at me as I head out.
University of Florida-Music Building, Gainesville, Florida
February 2/Friday/9:37 A.M.
It’s a good thing that I paid attention to the news this morning. It said it would be a slight drizzle all day, but I’m not the dumbass running from building to building, trying not to get completely soaked. I wouldn’t even say that it’s that severe. Though it is heavy enough for it to require an umbrella, which I acquired a few minutes before exiting my room this morning.
The teacher called class half an hour early today. I’m guessing he also forgot an umbrella and doesn’t want to risk looking like an imbecile in front of the kids that “look up” to him. Now with 30 minutes extra, I figured it would be the best time to go get some breakfast. I know I promised her I would start to eat before I left the house, but I’m sure she’ll understand. If it comes up.
Seeing the line at the cafeteria, I decide to sit down and wait it out a few. I’m in no hurry and it’s not like the food changes taste.
Looking at my phone, I figure I might text her. I’m sure she’s awake. She told me she was going to stay up for a good while last night, trying to finish her portfolio. I begged her to get some rest. She just said she would try. She can be stubborn sometimes. Her deadline is at midnight tonight, but knowing her, I’m sure she’ll want it done by noon. I’ll just send her something cute.
“The weather is about 53 right now, with a hint of rain. It’s chilly but everyone is acting like it’s a fucking blizzard. How’s the portfolio going? I’m sure you’re almost done. Please, just don’t stress yourself out. You know you have time. I love you.”
Hopefully that gives her the little boost that she needs. I know how hard she’s been working on it.
The line disappears and so I go get my bland milk and eggs that I willingly pay for. Roaming around the cafeteria, I find an empty seat, with a 20-foot radius from everyone. I don’t mind company, but this is an intimate moment for me. People shouldn’t see how I eat eggs.
I receive a text back from her. “23 up here. No wind, but, you know, the cold. Finished with the portfolio. Just patiently waiting for it to upload. Still alive. :)”
It’s not even 10 yet. Well, 9 for her. It’s been 6 months now and I keep forgetting about the time difference. Regardless, it’s way too early for her to be awake. I knew she would do this. I don’t mind how hard working she is, but it would be nice for her to get some decent rest from time to time. I’m sure that she’ll take a nap once she’s finished. She has the rest of the day to enjoy now anyways.
“It’s almost 9 over there. You didn’t get any sleep last night, didn’t you? Also, you didn’t say I love you back.” I know she’s going to say something about me telling her about the ‘I love you’. I know she is. But being so far apart makes understanding the mood of a message all the more challenging to interpret.
A few minutes go by and I still don’t hear from her. My mind begins to wander, as it always does, sitting there, eating away the eggs that would taste better if they took some time to add some spices. A few of my classmates walk by, nodding while giving me a face that shouts, “pity…” My next class doesn’t start until noon, so I might as well start working on my homework. Or binge watch a new show. Really, whichever one comes first.
My phone vibrates. “I’m sorry. You know I love you. I’m just waiting for this stupid file to finish uploading. It’s at 93% right now. I’m extremely tired. But at least I’m finished. For now…”
“Don’t apologize. It’s just been one of those mornings. Are you going to get some rest once you’re done?”
“Maybe. Hannah asked me to go to the mall with her today to find a gift for Juanita for her party tomorrow.”
I take a deep sigh to calm my emotions down. I know if I text her immediately, I’m going to say something wrong. She has to work later tonight and hasn’t properly rested. I just don’t want her to pass out again. Especially because I know Peter will go to her rescue. That skinny motherfucker.
“Just…please get some rest when you can. You know what happened last time. I just don’t want you to get hurt. Especially since I’m not there.” That could’ve been written better but I don’t want to shadow what I feel right now. We said we weren’t going to keep secrets from each other.
“I will”, she texts me. “I promise if we finish early, I’ll go home and get some shut-eye before work. :)”
“Ok. I’m sorry. I care about you.” I look at my phone, staring at those words, as if they’ve become imprinted for the numerous times I’ve said it.
“Don’t apologize. That’s one of the reasons why I fell for you, remember?” My heart slows down again. It’s ok. Things are ok. I know they are. I have to stop overthinking.
“Yeah I know”, I tell her. “Listen, I have to work on my homework a little bit, then I gotta go to my next class. But I’ll text you when I get out. Just have fun with Hannah. You deserve it.”
“I’ll get some rest if I can. I promise.”
“Ok. I love you.”
“Yeah, I know”, she tells me. My heart races again. But another minute later I get another message. “LOL. I’m kidding. I love you too. Stay dry.”
Staring at my phone, I look at the photo of us when we went to Pensacola Beach. I can’t concentrate on my homework right now. I pack up my belongings, throw away the trash, and decide to take a walk before my next class. Embrace the rain a little.
McDonald’s Liquor and Wine, Minneapolis, Minnesota
February 3/Saturday/5:43 P.M.
“Which one do you think Juanita will like?”, Hannah asks.
“I don’t know. I don’t know why you always ask me. You know I’m not much of a drinker.”, I tell her.
“Sure. That’s why you could barely stand up at the end of the night on your birthday right?”
“That was my 21st birthday. And you made me drink.”
“But you had fun, didn’t you?”
I take a deep sigh, trying not to roll my eyes in front of her.
“From what I can remember, yes, I did. But I don’t plan on drinking tonight. Maybe just a beer. I’m only going because you asked me to. Juanita is your friend.”
“She’s your friend too, you know.” She gives me this judgmental look. I brush it off.
“Yeah. But I don’t know her as well as you do.”
“Whatever. Just help me find a bottle that she might like. She prefers vodka, but we could also get her some tequila. I want to get fucked up too.”
She walks away, going to the other side of the store to look at the tequilas. I try to see if I can find any vodka bottle. Looking around, I see all the different brands. Lost Falls Vodka, Millers and Saints Vodka, Tattersall Vodka, Prairie Cucumber Vodka. Jesus. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why there’s so many. Literally, they all do the exact same thing.
It’s almost close to 6. I haven’t heard from him all day. He went to work, but I know that he should already be out by this time. Unless they asked him to do a double again. If he doesn’t text anytime soon, I’ll probably just send him a message later, just to make sure he’s ok.
Hannah walks back to me, holding a bottle of Don Julio tequila and some margarita mixer. “Did you find a good bottle?”, she asks.
I look back at the shelf and randomly grab the Lost Falls Vodka. “Uh, yeah. The lady said this one tastes really good.”
“Great! Tonight is gonna be awesome. We are going to get. Fucked. Up.” She grabs the bottle from my hand and heads to the check out. I check my phone again but still no message from him. It’s still pretty early in the afternoon. I’m sure he got caught up in something.
Before heading back to Hannah’s house, we stop by a Burger King to get something to eat. Still haven’t received anything from him.
Getting back to her house, I go and sit in the living room and watch some TV while I eat, as Hannah goes to her room to get ready. Knowing her, it’s going to take a while.
6:51 right now. Still nothing. I decide to text him. “Hey. Haven’t heard from you all day. I’m sure you’ve been busy. I’m in Hannah’s house right now. Waiting on her to get ready, then heading out. But knowing her, it’s going to be a while. I hope you’re ok. I miss you right now….”
14 minutes go by. Nothing. I take a deep sigh and face my phone down on the table, continuing to eat while I watch Family Guy.
I hear her shower turn off. “Hey!”, she yells. “Are you still there?”
“Still here”, I tell her.
“Ok. Sorry about this. I promise I won’t take much more time.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s still kind of early. We have time.”
She doesn’t say anything back. Instead, I hear music beginning to play. I turn the volume back up and continue watching. I see my phone light turn on.
“Sorry I haven’t texted. It’s been a long day of work and I’m a little tired. I’m ok. Just going to play games the rest of night. Maybe order a pizza. And I miss you too.”
I feel shitty right now. I don’t like when he stays home when I go out with my friends. I don’t know why he does that. Like he wants me to feel guilty for enjoying myself. I’m not going to let this ruin my night.
“It’s ok”, I reply. “I’m sure you’ll tell me about it later. Just relax. I think Hannah is close to finishing and then we’re going to head out.”
“Just have fun. You deserve it after months of stressfulness. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be ok. :)”
“Ok.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” I see the message as it illuminates my face. It doesn’t feel right anymore. It just feels like words.
45 minutes pass by and Hannah finally walks out.
“You ready?”, she asks, like I haven’t been sitting here, dumbing my brain away by staring at a black mirror.
“Ready as I’ll ever be”, I respond.
“Great!”, she yells. “Tonight is going to be so much fun!”
Country Village Apartments, Gainesville, Florida
February 3/Saturday/6:43 P.M.
“Come on! You stupid fucking cunt! You had him right there!”, I yell at the TV. This is probably the worst match I’ve ever played. These fucking people can’t carry this team for shit. Whatever. I’m going to play something different. This one is frustrating me too much right now.
Someone starts knocking at my door. Getting up from my couch, I go check out who it is. It’s my friend Xavier. I open the door to let him in.
“You don’t how to answer your phone or something?”, he asks.
“I had it on silent. I didn’t really want to be bothered right now. Hint. Hint.”
He chuckles at my response. “Right. I’m sure you were busy”, he says, looking around my mess of a living room. “Nathan is throwing a little get together tonight. We’re gonna go to Cedar Key. It’s gonna be fun. Bonfire and beer.”
“I don’t know dude. I kind of have my own thing going on right now. Besides, it’s a little late already. Plus, Cedar Key is super far away and there’s not really a beach there.”
He doesn’t say anything. He just looks at me for a minute, with this look of disapproval or disappointment. “Come on man”, he continues. “You hardly go out with us anymore. You just spent most of your time either at school, work, or here. It’ll be fun. And you know what? Gina is going to be there.”
I stop playing. I turn to look at him, beginning to feel pissed. “And what does that have to do with anything?”
“Well”, he pauses. “You could finally make a move. You’ve been liking her for the longest. Maybe tonight you could do something about it.”
I get up, starting to feel angry. Not wanting to make a scene, I continue the conversation, in hopes that it doesn’t blow out of proportion. “I don’t like her. We’ve just been friends since we were 7, that’s all. And you know I have a girlfriend, right?”
He scoffs, sarcastically smiling. “Right. How could I forget? Wendy, right? From…. Montana?”
“Minnesota”, I reply, with anger in my voice.
“Right. Sorry. Well, at least just come for the sake of me and the others. It’s been a while since we’ve all hung out together. And besides. Cedar Key is only like an hour away. You can ride with me.”
I sit down again, looking at my phone. I haven’t texted her all day today. She has that birthday party tonight. Maybe I should go out. I don’t like knowing that she’s out there having fun, while I’m sitting here, playing video games all night.
“Alright”, I say. “I’ll go, but I’m going to take my own car. If I ride with you, who knows how late you’re going to want to stay out.”
“Cool. I’m going to buy some drinks and I’ll text you when I’m heading over there. Keep your phone on.”
He heads and I go to take a shower. Standing there, I feel the water running down my body, getting lost in thought. I’m thinking about Gina. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her. I don’t know why I feel nervous.
Picking out my outfit, I hear my phone vibrate. It’s Xavier. “Hey bro. Just letting you know that I’m heading over there in half an hour or so. You can head over already if you want though. Some people are already on their way there.”
I throw my phone back on my bed. Looking at my shirts, thinking which one will make my muscles stand out, but not to the point where people ask why it’s too tight. A few minutes go by and I hear my phone vibrate again. It’s her.
“Hey. Haven’t heard from you all day. I’m sure you’ve been busy. I’m in Hannah’s house right now. Waiting on her to get ready, then heading out. But knowing her, it’s going to be a while. I hope you’re ok. I miss you right now….”
Shit. I don’t know what to tell her. I don’t want to tell her about tonight. I don’t want her to ask me who’s going to be there. If she finds out about Gina, she’s going to forbid me from going. I’m just going to wait a bit. I’ll finish getting ready and I’ll text her when I head out.
A couple minutes after 8 now. I text Xavier, letting him know that I’m going to start driving that way.
Looking at her contact, I decide that maybe it’s best that she doesn’t know where I am tonight. I wouldn’t want her to worry about me. She has a party to go to, and I deserve to enjoy myself.
“Sorry I haven’t texted. It’s been a long day of work and I’m a little tired. I’m ok. Just going to play games the rest of night. Maybe order a pizza. And I miss you too.”
As I get in my car, I sit there for a minute, taking deep breaths. My phone vibrates again.
“It’s ok. I’m sure you’ll tell me about it later. Just relax. I think Hannah is close to finishing and then we’re going to head out”, she replies back.
“Just have fun. You deserve it after months of stressfulness. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be ok. :)”
“Ok.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I put the address on the GPS and begin to drive.
Juanita’s House, St. Paul, Minnesota
February 3/Saturday/11:13 P.M.
I don’t recognize any of these people. I may have seen one or two of them hanging out with Juanita a while back, but everyone else. I didn’t even know that so many people could fit inside this house. I guess I always perceived it as smaller than it actually looks.
Hannah left to go get another drink for me about half an hour ago. I’m sure there’s a line. That’s why she’s taking so long. Not because I saw her talking to some guy and then heading upstairs with him. He probably took her to a secret stash of booze that he has up there. Yeah, that’s probably it. I’ll just wait here, sitting outside with my empty red Solo cup next to the bonfire. It is way too cold to be out here, but I can barely hear my own thoughts inside. Besides, there’s maybe 20 plus people out here with me, and they don’t seem to be bothered at all.
I want to check my phone, but I haven’t felt it vibrate this whole time. Maybe he fell asleep. That’s probably it. I’ll send him a goodnight text when I get back home.
Almost 45 minutes now and still no sign of Hannah. Man, that must be some extremely hidden booze. She sure is taking her time with this guy. I would love to just go home right now, but since I foolishly decided to ride with her, I’m pretty much motionless.
Deciding to go refill my cup, I get cornered by Juanita.
“Hey!” She says it in a tone that almost sounds forced. Maybe it isn’t. I could never tell, given my long history of being backstabbed by ex-friends. “I’m so glad you came. Really. And thank you for the bottles. They’re definitely making this party so much better.”
“Well…, you know, it was Hannah’s idea.” I can already feel myself trying to exit this conversation. “Speaking of Hannah, have you seen her?”
“No, but I’m pretty sure she’s here somewhere. You know her, probably made a friend and is introducing herself to him. Or her.”
There was an awkward pause. I’m staring at my cup, trying to escape this landmine.
“Well…, I better go looking for her. I’m sure she’s missing a good amount of this party.” I start walking but she grabs me by the arm. I turn to look at her, mildly confused.
“Actually, the reason why I came over is because I wanted to introduce you to someone. I hope you don’t mind.” My mind begins to wonder. I hardly know Juanita and now she wants me to meet someone? Honestly, the only thing we have in common is that we work certain shifts together. There’s nothing else that I can think of for her to introduce me to someone. But, given that I don’t know where Hannah is, I might as well.
As I walk with her to the living room, I’m greeted by a familiar smile. It’s Peter. I feel myself starting to sweat.
“Ok, I may have lied about it being someone new”, Juanita says. I want to run away but I can’t. She seems to be holding on to me very tightly.
“Well, I’m going to leave you two to it. I’ll let you know if I find Hannah.” She walks away as I stand there, completely frozen, as if something has taken control of my body. We look at each other for a bit. I don’t know what to say. I’m just staring at him and it’s clear that he’s confused by my silence.
“Hey”, he finally says.
“Hey yourself”, I respond, in a quivering voice.
“Hannah told me Juanita was having a party and that I should come over. She said that you would be here.” When I see Hannah, I’m going to bitch slap the shit out of her.
“Well…, here I am.” We both awkwardly laugh, standing there for an uncomfortable amount of time.
“I’m sorry. Did I catch you at a wrong time? You seem like you need to be somewhere else.” I’m staring at his lips now. The way they move with every word he says.
“No”, I tell him. “I was actually just looking for Hannah, but I think she upstairs with a new ‘friend’.”
“Ah. Well, would you like another drink? I think your cup is empty.”
I give off a small chuckle. “Uh…, yeah. That would be nice. Just something light please.”
“I can do that. I’ll be right back.”
“And I will be right here.” I give him this mid-smile. As he walks away, I catch my breath and start fixing my hair a little. I go to the mirror and make sure that everything is on properly. Going back to the living room, I sit on the couch that just happens to be empty right now. My heart has been racing this whole time.
He finally returns with two cups in his hands. He gives me one that looks like it has some kind of greenish liquor in it. I take a small sip. It’s a margarita. He made me a margarita. I watch him as he sits down next to me, adjusting himself. I can feel his warmth.
“So…how are you tonight?”, he asks. I don’t want to sound lame and tell him that I’ve just been waiting for Hannah to finish getting fucked so I could go home.
“I’m doing…good”, I say. “Yeah. I finished my portfolio and now I don’t have to worry about much. Well, for now anyways.” He moves closer.
“That’s good. You told me about that. How you were stressing out about it. But it’s good to hear that you’re done with it. Now you get to enjoy some more free time. Maybe start working more shifts.” We both chuckle. He doesn’t say anything, and I don’t know where to continue from there. I can hear the music that’s coming from the kitchen. A few minutes go by before he continues to talk.
“So…how is…ummm…”
“Luna”, I respond.
“Right. Luna. Your…boyfriend?”
“Yes. My…boyfriend.”
“Right. How is he?” There was another long pause. I stopped staring at him. I’m looking down at my drink, watching the ice melt. It felt like he wanted to say something else but was waiting for me to speak.
“He’s good”, I finally say. “He’s just been going to school and working. Just like me.”
“That’s good to hear.” His tone of voice changes a little.
“Yeah”, I reply. “Everything…is…good.” Again, awkward silence. I want to get up and leave but I also don’t want to move. He’s very close to me and smells really good. We both turn to look at each and just smile. I pull the cup close to my face and chug half of it down. I didn’t want to drink tonight but now, nothing feels more appropriate.
Finally, after a few minutes of silence, he speaks. “So, uhh, listen, I wanted to ask if I could get some pointers or advice on something, if you don’t mind?”
I turn to look at him. “No. Not at all.”
“Ok. Well…” He starts to speak but I’m not paying attention to what he’s saying. I’m just staring at him right now. His hazel eyes are hauntingly beautiful, watching them stare at me, getting myself caught in them. His hair moves around a bit as people walk past by us. Watching it move like waves on a beach. His lips keep moving with every word that’s being spoken, but all I can think about is how they taste.
We continued the conversation for what must’ve seem like an hour. We would laugh here and there and then talk about something meaningful. It was nice. He kept offering me drinks and I was enjoying myself. I saw Hannah walk by about 15 minutes ago, but she just looked at me and gave me a wink. I’ll let her have her own fun.
It’s starting to get late. I don’t have to work until the afternoon tomorrow but I’m starting to feel tired. I’m having a hard time keeping my eyes open and my head seems to be spinning. I try to get up but nearly fall to the floor, feeling his arms around my waist as he catches me.
“Hey now!”, he says. “You ok?”
I still feel his arms wrapped around me, trying to keep my balance but it’s clear that I have drunk way more than I intended to. He sits me back down.
“I need to find Hannah”, I reply. “She’s my ride.”
“Ok, well, just stay here. I’m gonna go see if I can find her. Don’t go anywhere.” He walks away. I look at him as he goes to the kitchen. Grabbing my phone, I look at the time. It’s almost close to 1 now. He still hasn’t texted me. I think he fell asleep. I don’t know if I should text him at all tonight. I don’t want him to worry about me being out so late. I’ll see. Once I get home, I’ll decide.
A few minutes go by and he walks back.
“So…, turns out that Hannah left about 10 minutes. Juanita told me she saw her leave with some guy.”
Great. Just great. I am mildly drunk, and I have no ride home. It was clear that I was visibly showing signs of being upset. “You ok?”, he asks.
“Yeah. Sort of. She…uhh…she was my ride. Now I gotta call an Uber or something.” I take out my phone and start to get on the Uber app, but he puts his hand over it. I lift my head to look at him.
“I can take you home”, he says. “Really, I don’t mind. I’m perfectly fine. And you won’t have to pay me.” He gives off this awkward chuckle. My head still feels like it’s spinning and can’t seem to concentrate on anything right now.
“If you don’t mind, that’d be great”, I say, with my head still facing down, doing my best not to look up because the lights are giving me a headache.
He pulls me off the couch and slowly walks me to his car. I’m doing my best to walk as normal as I can, but I can barely carry my own weight right now. I’m holding onto his arm very tightly. As we get to his car, he opens the passenger door for me and helps me get inside. He puts the seatbelt on and closes the door. He goes to his side and we sit inside the car for a minute, with no sounds in between.
“So…”, he begins to say. “I think it would help if I had a destination.” I chuckle a bit, still feeling my head spin. I give him my address and begins to drive.
We don’t say anything to each other on the entire drive. He has some Dan Auerbach playing in a low volume, while I just stare out the window, looking at the leafless trees. Snow is starting to come down again. I can see it with every streetlight that we pass by.
“Just park on the side, right there”, I tell him. He turns off the car and walks over to my side. He takes off my seatbelt and helps me out of the car. I’m feeling a little better now. My head still spins but I can at least walk normally again.
As we get to the front door, I stare at it for a minute. I want to invite him inside, but I don’t know if I should. It’s the least I can do. Maybe offer him something to eat as a thank you.
“Do you want to come inside?”, I ask. His face looks surprised.
“Sure. Would be nice to get out of this cold for a bit.”
Heading inside, I tell him to make himself comfortable. He looks around the kitchen, while I head to my room to take off some layers. Heading back out, I see him looking around my living room, staring at this one particular painting.
“Do you want something to eat? I can make you a sandwich”, I tell him.
“No. It’s ok. I’m good. Appreciate it though.” He keeps staring at the painting. I approach him and stand next to him.
“Took me about a month to finish it.”
“You did this?”, he asks, dumbfounded.
“Yeah. I did most of the ones you see around the living room. Some were given to me as gifts. I think they fit the space quite nicely.” He looks around, noticing all the other paintings, but reverts to the one we’re staring at.
“I like this one a lot”, he says.
“Dessiner”, I reply.
“What does that mean?”
“It just means to draw in French.”
“I like it.”
“Thank you”, I say. “If you want, I can make a print of it and give it to you. It’s the least I can do for helping me out tonight.”
He doesn’t say anything, continuing to stare at the painting. Walking away, I go and sit on the couch. He turns to look at me and comes over and sits as well. We sit there in complete silence for a few.
“How are you feeling?”, he asks.
“Better now. Thank you. Really.”
“You’re welcome.” As he says that, he puts his hand on my thigh. I look down at it and then I look back at him. He pulls himself closer. My heart starts to accelerate. His other hand begins to brush my hair and I close my eyes. I can feel his warmth. As I open my eyes again, I look towards his lips. I can feel myself breathing harder. He pulls himself closer and his forehead is pressed against mines. And as I look to his eyes once more, he closes them and begins to kiss me. His lips are soft and warm. They taste sweet. But after a few kisses, I pull myself away.
“What’s wrong?”, he asks.
“I can’t do this”, I say. “I….” But he stops me before I say anything else.
“You know you feel the same way I do”, he says. “I know you’re doing your best to stay with him, but I’m here right now and he isn’t.” He gets closer again, but I don’t push him away. He starts to kiss me again. I feel his hand going under my shirt. I hear myself starting to moan a bit as he licks my neck. Then he pulls himself away and we stare into each other’s eyes. I’m trying my best to catch my breath.
“It’s ok”, he says. “It’s ok. I’m here.” He takes off my shirt and unhooks my bra.
Cedar Key Beach, Cedar Key, Florida
February 4/Sunday/12:13 A.M.
Seeing the moonlight reflect on the ocean is always something beautiful to look at. I can hear my friends talking around the bonfire about the crazy nights that we’ve had here. But I’m more fixed on watching the waves crash into the rocks. It’s too cold and too dark right now to go swimming, but still nice to look at.
I’ve been here for a couple of hours now. It’s been fun. Xavier was right. It has been a while since we’ve all hanged out together.
There still hasn’t been a sign of her. Every time a car pulls in or passes by, my heart races, thinking it’s her. I feel foolish for feeling this type of way right now. But it really has been a while since I’ve seen her. I know she’s been doing well, on account of what she posts online. But I don’t think she’s coming. It’s already passed midnight and everyone else is already here.
“Hey”, Xavier tells me, as he puts his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry about it. If she comes, she comes. For now, just have another beer. Enjoy yourself man. We’re all glad you’re here.” I let out a mid-smile and grab a Dos XX from the cooler. As I sit around the bonfire, I laugh and talk with the others about whatever they’re talking about.
10 minutes later, a car pulls up. It’s Gina. As she walks towards us, everyone, almost in perfect synch yell out, “Gina!!” She smiles and lets out a small, “Ayy!”
“You fuckers started this party without me?”, she says while giving everyone a hug, finally approaching me at the end.
“Luna!”, she shouts, giving me an extremely tight hug. “I didn’t think you were going to be here. You never want to hang out with us anymore.”
“That’s not true. I’ve just been busy with work and school.” She gives me this sarcastic look, but then a smile.
“Well, I’m really glad you’re here. I’m sorry I took so long. I had to deal with some family matters first. You know how it is.”
“Yeah.” I didn’t know what else I could say. My heart still beating fast as I stood there with a beer in my hand. She continues.
“Well…, come on. Will you join me and sit beside the dying fire?”, she says, in a stereotypical theatrical voice.
I smile. “Of course.”
We walk back to the circle, but I go to the cooler first to get her a beer. As I sit next to her, we clank our bottles, saying ‘cheers’, and join in on the conversation, watching the flames as they rise up and burn out.
Time passed as we sat there, talking about everything and anything, as some of our friends started to become inebriated. It was nice. It was something that I didn’t know I needed.
After a while, Gina gets up and goes elsewhere. I’m sure she went to go get another drink or probably talk to somebody else. I take out my phone to check the time. It’s 1 now. Still haven’t gotten a message from her. I’m sure she’s having fun at the party. I jut hope Hannah doesn’t pressure her into drinking too much again.
I feel a tap on my shoulder. As I turn to look, I see Gina, holding out her hand to me. I look puzzled.
“Come on”, she says. “It’s a little crowded here. Let’s go to the rocks.”
I take her hand and follow her to the shore. She walks around the big boulders to try to find a great place to sit down. As she sits, she waves for me to sit down next to her. I can hear our friends talking and yelling in the distance. But now I can hear the waves crashing clearer. We sit together for a bit, not saying a word.
“How many times do you think we’ve been here?”, she asks. “I want to say more than 50. I think about maybe going to check out other beaches but this one just feels like a second home now. You know?” I nod to agree but I don’t say anything.
“Do you remember when we used to come here as kids?”, she continues.
“Of course.”, I respond. “We were both scared to get in the water in the beginning.”
She laughs. “Yeah. You looked stupid with those floaties you always had on your arms.”
“You had them on too, you know.”
“Yeah…, but I looked good with them on.” We both chuckle. We stopped for a bit, listening to the sounds of the waves crashing beneath our feet. I can feel them starting to get wet, but I don’t mind.
“You know”, she pauses and looks right at me. “I used to have a huge crush on you back then.” My heart slowly starting to race. I turn to look at the ocean, but she moves herself closer to me.
“Oh yeah?”, I respond. “What happened?”
“Well, it never really went away.”
I pause for a moment, taking in what she just said.
“You never told me that.” I look back at her, seeing the wind blowing through her hair. She looks away and puts her head down between her legs.
“Do you remember the time we came here after graduation?”, she asks; her voice a little muffled.
“Of course. How could I forget that night? We almost all went to jail.” She lifts her head up again and we both laugh at the memory. She pauses for a moment and puts her hand on my lap.
“I wanted to kiss you that night”, she continues.
“Why didn’t you?”
“It didn’t seem like you wanted to. I think we were sitting in these exact same rocks and we were talking about what we were going to do now that we finished high school. And I remember I got close to you, the same way I’m doing now. And I put my head on your shoulder. And you didn’t move me away. But then I looked at you, and I saw your eyes. And they were looking at me. And I saw your lips move, as if they wanted to touch mines. And I just wanted to taste them. But I never did.”
A few minutes passed by and neither of us said a word. She took her hand of my lap and sat crossed legged next to me. We could hear our friends starting to get louder.
“I did want to kiss you that night.” I put my head down, looking at the water going through the rocks as the waves hit.
“Why didn’t you?”, she asks. I lift my head up again and look her right in her brown eyes.
“Because I was afraid I would ruin the friendship I had with you.” I grab her hands. They feel warm. “You know me better than anyone else, and I scared that if we kissed, it would ruin whatever we had.” I tried to let go of her, but she held on tighter.
“Hey”, she says. “Nothing would’ve ruined our friendship. And nothing is going to ever ruin it. We know each other too well. I’m not letting you go. You’re stuck with me.” She smiles and let’s go of my hands. We turn back and face the ocean again. She leans her head on my shoulder, like before. A few minutes go by before she says anything.
“So?”, she asks.
“So what?”, I respond.
“How do they taste?” She moves her head from my shoulder and looks directly at my lips. I stare at her eyes, but slowly move down to see hers. She grabs the back of my head and pulls me in closer. She begins to close her eyes. I take a deep breath and close mines as well. She starts to breath heavier, hearing little moans. After a few minutes, I pull away from her.
“Well?”, I ask. “How do they taste?”
She smiles and looks at me. “Just like I always imagined they would.” She pulls me in again and we start kissing each other more. She’s moaning as I move my hands all over her back. She grabs one of my hands and moves it to the front, feeling her left boob. I feel her hands sliding down, slowly unbuckling my belt. But I pull back, getting up.
“What’s wrong?”, she asks, looking confused, as if she’s done something wrong.
“I can’t”, I tell her, pacing around, thinking about what just happened. She gets up as well and stands in front of me.
“Why not?” She looks frustrated.
“You know why. Wendy.”
She takes a big sigh and starts pacing around as well. She moves her hands through her hair, thinking about what she’s going to say. She stops moving and turns to look at me again.
“Why are you still with her Luna?” Her tone of voice changed. She sounds mellow now.
“I don’t know. I...don’t know. Maybe because I’m hopeful that all this struggling and effort will work out in the end.” My hands begin to shake.
“But how do you know that she feels the same way?”, she asks. “How do you know that she’s not over there, doing god knows what with someone else? Or that she’s not planning on breaking up with you? How do you know?”
I don’t say anything. Keeping my head down, I start to feel tears coming down my cheeks. I can’t seem to move. She approaches me and lifts my head up. She’s looking at me crying now.
“Do you love her?”, she asks.
“Yes”, I mumble underneath my breath.
“But…, are you in love with her?” My heart beating so fast, it feels like it’s going to come out of my shirt. I just want to go home. But she gets closer to me and gives me a hug. Feeling her arms wrapped up around me, I start to calm down. I move my arms slowly to hug her back. We stand there together for a bit, still hearing the waves crashing.
“Luna”, she whispers in my ear. “You know what you feel. You know what you have to do. I’m sorry that it has to happen, but I just want you to be happy. And I want to be happy with you. I’m always going to be your friend. But you and I know that we want more than that. Please. Go home and do the right thing.”
She lets go of me. I stand there, with my head still down, trying to get rid of the tears. Lifting my head up, I look at her. She smiles.
“Ok”, I say. “Ok.” I walk towards her and give another hug. Still holding her, I say ‘thank you’, as I give her one more kiss.
“Whatever happens, I’ll be here for you. Like always.” She walks towards the rocks and sits down again, seeing her dip her toes in the water.
Walking back, I let Xavier know that I’m heading out. He doesn’t ask me anything and simply gives me a hug. I wave goodbye to everyone else and I get in my car.
It’s 3:13 by the time I get back home. I never got a message from her. Looking at the photo once more, I take a deep breath and turn off my phone. It’s time to go to sleep now.
Minnehaha Falls, Minneapolis, Minnesota
February 5/Monday/10:23 A.M.
I couldn’t get a decent sleep last night. Luna texted me throughout the day yesterday, but I didn’t reply. I couldn’t. I just went to work and came straight home. Peter was already working when I got there. He kept trying to talk to me, but I kept avoiding him. My coworkers picked up on it and made sure he didn’t approach me. After he left, he texted me, asking if we could talk. But I just ignored it. This morning, Luna texted me again, asking to call him when I get the chance.
I left the house about an hour ago and I’m sitting on a bench, looking at the half-frozen waterfall. It’s still too cold outside but I don’t want to be at home right now. I keep thinking about what I did. I want to believe that I only did it because I was drunk and lonely, but I know it’s not true.
I told Hannah what happened, but she just brushed it off, as if people just do this all the time. “He’s probably slept with someone else too. Don’t worry about it.” That was her response. And I don’t know who else I could talk to about this. Looking through my contacts, the only person that could probably help me out right now is Juanita. I know we’re not good friends, but I just need to talk to someone.
“Hey”, she answers. “You ok?”
“Yeah…, well…, no. Not really. I’m sorry this is a little weird, but I didn’t really know who else I could call right now.” I can hear my voice choking up.
“It’s ok”, she says. “I’m here. Just tell me what’s wrong.”
“I did something bad. I made a mistake and I think I just ruined the one good thing that I had in my life. And…, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
There was a pause. I could hear noises coming from her end, but I didn’t hear her.
“Can I ask you something?”, she finally responds.
“Yeah.” My voice feels weak.
“Do you believe that what you did would’ve happened eventually?” I was confused.
“What do you mean by that?”, I ask.
“What you did, do you think that eventually it was meant to happen? Like, do you believe that something like that was always going to happen? Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
I took a moment to take in what she was talking about. I started to think about all the times I became frustrated when he wanted attention. Or when he made me feel bad about what I was doing because he wasn’t there for it. Or everything else that I put myself through, just to make sure he knew that I still loved him.
“Yes”, I responded. “I think what I did was always going to happen.”
“Then you know what you have to do. And you know that it’s not going to be easy. But you have to do it. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
“Ok. If you need anything else, don’t be afraid to call me. I know we’re not really friends, but everybody could use someone to talk to sometimes.”
As she hangs up, I look at my phone again. In the background is a photo of us when we went to Pensacola Beach. He insisted that we have matching background photos. But I never liked that one. Well, the day behind it anyways. We fought the whole car ride over there and we didn’t do what I wanted to.
I pull up his contact. My hands start to shake but I take a deep breath. As I hear the ringing, my heart begins to accelerate. He picks up but I don’t hear anything on the other end.
“Hey”, I say. I feel this giant lump on my throat. My eyes are staring to feel watery. I can feel my hands shaking.
“Hey”, he says back. There’s sadness in his voice.
“We need to talk.”
“I know.”
Depot Park, Gainesville, Florida
February 5/Monday/11:23 A.M.
I texted her a couple of times yesterday, but she never replied. The last message I sent her, I told her to call me when she could. That was about 2 hours ago. I’ve been sitting on this bench, staring at the lake, just waiting on anything.
Gina texted me when I woke up, asking me if I did it already. I let her know that I was going to today. She just said ok. And if I needed anything, to not hesitate and call her.
As I waited, the only thing I could think about was how soft Gina’s lips felt. I don’t remember how Wendy’s lips feel anymore. I don’t remember how her skin feels either. Her smile feels like a dream, and her voice reminds me of someone I no longer know.
I look at the photo of us, but all I see is me with a stranger. She has the same photo in her phone too. At least, I think she does. I told her that it’d be cute to have matching photos. Show it off to any stranger or friend, telling them about how much we love each other. But now it feels different.
I wish that day would’ve been better too. We argued almost the entire trip, about the littlest things like sunblock or snacks. And she made me feel guilty about not doing the things that she wanted to do. But I had already made a schedule and I thought that she would appreciate the organization. Maybe in another lifetime it would’ve been better.
Still haven’t heard from her. It’s starting to get late. I have to go to work soon.
I begin to walk back to my car, but my phone starts vibrating.
I take deep breaths, letting the phone ring a bit. Finally, I pick up, but I don’t say anything. I’ll wait a minute. If she doesn’t say anything, I’ll say something. But I hear a deep sigh.
“Hey”, she says. Her voice sounds like it’s quivering. It sounds quiet on her end, but I can hear small sniffling.
“Hey”, I say back. I don’t know what else to say right now.
“We need to talk.”
“I know.”